Ever since the intricate brain neurons granted individuals the ability to transcend time and reality through imagination, people have fantasized about alternate worlds, have thought about unlikely situations and have created blueprints of their future. Many women spend a lot of time analyzing and imagining their lives, filling their fantasies with perfect relationships. Our expectations for the future, however, almost never match our actual experiences. Nevertheless, we spend so much time planning and imagining the ideal future, we end up neglecting the reality engulfing the present.
Over the years, I have spent much time daydreaming about my lace wedding gown, conjuring up unique names for my children and wondering about the stability of my desired occupation. My mind created a script that detailed my future: I was going to get my bachelors degree at 21, get engaged at 23, get married at 24 and have my first child at 25. All my long term relationships served as schemas for my adult life. I was never satisfied with how my ex-boyfriends looked in our imaginary weddings or how they played with our imaginary children, so I ended those relationships in fear of being dissatisfied with my future.
When I met my Scott, my fantasies finally delighted me. I pictured our extraordinary wedding; I smiled at the thoughts of sharing the same laundry basket; I yearned for the night of the marriage proposal. I was spending more time worrying about who would be in my bridal party than focusing on the actual state of my relationship. The thoughts enwrapped me and finally burst out of my mind with the words, "I want to marry you." My heart nauseously pounded because I knew I had entered the relationship danger zone. But he thought my feelings were endearing, replying with sweet words of reassurance of my planned future. So I didn't stop there and I kept testing the limit. My words jumped from "I want to marry you" to "Well we can't have a church wedding because I'm Jewish." Instead of drawing him closer, I was pushing him away. He was rational and I was insane. I ended up alienating myself from the present with my overly involved fantasies. I couldn't understand what I was more committed to: my 10-year plan or the current state of my relationship.
It seems that for most men the word "future" represents a faraway life, and thus their concerns revolve around their daily lives. Although Scott smiled each time I spoke of my retirement plan, he never fully participated in my fantasies. For him, it was important to make the best of the present rather than to contemplate the future. He didn't want to ignore my feelings, yet he didn't like pretending that our lives could be scripted. Does this mean that women are irrational creatures? We overanalyze words and situations for possible leaks to our future. We are concerned with perfection because we fear disappointment. So do we attempt to create the perfect future because we are incapable of handling the trials of the present? Does our fear of not being able to control our destiny result in our commitment to changing it?
After a year and a half of stressing the sequence of my desired life, I detached myself from my day-to-day-life. More importantly, I distanced myself from the very person who fit my fantasy. "I don't fit into your plan," he disagreed. "I am just another face placed in the image of your ideal husband." His words struck me back into reality. Was I so committed to my plan that I ignored my commitment to my boyfriend?
Our relationship ended. I suffocated Scott with my fantasies as I disconnected from reality. I needed a strong punch to bring me back to the present. And when it did, I rushed to bring Scott back into my life. I wanted to be with him, and I wanted to be with him now.
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